You said something that has stuck with me for awhile –
Surrender the one who surrenders.
I think I get that if surrender is a strategy or even a practice, that something is being sought in return. For me it feels like a self desire to avoid something, avoiding what I’m not sure.
Also I remember in the retreat you mentioned feeling hit by a Mac truck, and I was thinking – Great, all the practices you did, insights you had, sense of Being you loved, and it still came down to being hit by a Mac truck!
Perhaps we ‘surrender’ because we sense a Mac truck bearing down on us and we go – Anything but that!
Perhaps you can ferret out a question of all this!?
Does our practice and our relationship to practice change over time? Is that because our notion of time changes? What does practice
even mean in the absence of time? How come I have to practice to be mySelf?!
(personal note – my whole life I felt not ready for ‘prime time’ and had to improve myself in order to engage with life – something I carried over into spiritual practice)
Dear friend. Surrender is an important sadhana that helps in loosening the impression of separation. The other is Atma Vichara.
But often we surrender with a hidden personal agenda or intention. Meaning we are still engaged in personal seeking and thus we maintain the belief in the personal self.
The pointer ‘surrender the surrenderer’ brings your attention to the hidden personal self behind the scene.
The surrender must be complete or else we become an arrogant surrenderer that does not perceive their blind spot.
For most of us suffering is a motivator to looking beyond the world body mind fascination. Not necessarily getting hit by a Mack truck, although sometimes that is the case.
Best is to remain image free and not to think about the path but rather live fully this contemplation moment by moment.
Yes, our relationship to practice does change.
First we practice.
Then we are practiced.
Then we are practice.
Beyond that no practice nor practicer: That would be the meaning of practice beyond the time impression.
You ask: ‘How come I have to practice to be myself?’
Know yourself directly and live as That.
As of your last comment (personal note). Don’t worry about it.
Letting go is an important aspect of the sadhana.