My name is Katy —recently a profound experience has happened to me. I am eager to inquire about the event so that I might learn from it, and in doing so direct my learning in a way most effective. A few nights ago when I was at work, a sudden realization and understanding occurred to me after opening to a page of Krishnamurti’s book where it says, “Love only exists when there is self-forgetfulness.” I must tell you that before this night, I had been vigilantly observing with rapt attention my relationship with my self. All of the chaotic thoughts, the violence, the jealousy, the racism, the greed, the total selfishness of it all. I gave all energy to it, all attention and seeing. And in this way I seen with clarity the truth of what was in me—the false authority, giving judgments constantly at every moment. And when looking into it deeply, there was a sense of it running away from me, trying to hide itself in something. This pretender is insecure, that is its nature, and when it is looked at directly and intimately it hides itself because it does not want to be revealed. In revealing it there is understanding of how to disassemble it completely. It doesn’t want to be taken apart because it is just a shell, covering up emptiness. But the shell is something you created out of fear of being empty, and wanting to fill it with something, anything, no matter what it is as long as you can forget.
All of this became clear to me during the inward observation. At my desk I first felt a strong longing for silence. And thinking of it brought tears to my eyes. And when I flipped to that page of Krishnamurti’s book, these words brought into the brain a sudden understanding. There immediately was an image of an empty sarcophagus, and I knew then what it meant in that instant. I was overwhelmed by emotion at my computer chair. First fear, trepidation, nervousness—and then an urgency to do what was necessary. The self program was saying to me, “Wait, you only have 20 minutes left of work. Lets just wait that little bit longer, surely it can wait that long?” And I thought, yes, sure, this emotion running through me is so powerful, but what will another 20 minutes hurt? And then the urgency came over me again just as strong, saying in a sense, GO NOW. And again the self program was wrestling against this, “Wait! Just wait! Just a little bit longer! Please just give me a little bit longer!” But I could not keep myself tied to that chair. I packed my bag quickly, put on my jacket and gloves and walked out of the building into the parking lot. As soon as I got to the car I started sobbing—I was shaking and afraid, but charged also and knew what had to be done—the necessity of it. So I got inside the vehicle and started driving. I thought to myself, “Should I lie down when I get home on the couch and cover myself with a blanket and let it happen then? Will my crying be so loud that I will wake everyone in the house? How can I ever explain what is happening now?” So I continued driving, sobbing and crying, overwhelmed with emotion when suddenly these words came into mind, “I’m Ready.” And I spoke them immediately with a great feeling like a wave rushing out of me, “I’m ready!”
When I got home the crying had stopped. And when I walked into the house there was a total silence within. I felt like I had to check and see if it were still there, the self, the false authority, almost out of disbelief. It is like having a limb taken from you—the immediacy with which it happened leaving you in a state of awe and almost shock. Is it still there? Is it there at all? And then an almost fear for checking—hoping that when looking it wont be found again. And now I find that mostly I seem overwhelmed. Not to say that it’s a bad thing or a good thing, but that it just is. There are moments where I ask, “Do I seem the same to my husband? Should I respond to him in the way the self did?” “I don’t want to make my bed right now—Is that wrong? Is it right?” Since that voice of the self is not there I do not have its direction. And so I wonder what it is I should do? Or when looking at people sometimes there is an great entertainment in it, just in watching all the interactions, and then other times there is a nervousness to look at them, because I do not want to create an image of anyone in any way. I suppose the nervousness comes from this: When the shell of the self program is broken and you are emptiness, why cover that emptiness yet again? And further, is it wrong to cover that emptiness? Is it right? Is it both and neither? Is it nothing? Shall I cover the emptiness to shatter the shell into non-existence again, and again, and again? I cannot accurately describe the sensation I felt when understanding what needed to happen to the self. Imagine that you are giving up all that you are. All that you believe you are. Like taking the memory chip of what Katy was, or Magdi, all of the stored up data which has been built over and on top of itself into a skyscraper which is the world—And then to wipe it all away. All that you know, or think you know—all that you are, or think you are, gone completely. In this, is the act of Love. Because you are giving up all that you are for nothing. Even though you might be afraid at the emptiness, you still give your self away.
I have been guided to you by my close friend Diane. It is she that offered up this opportunity to me after I revealed to her all that occurred. I do not know what will come of this. Perhaps there will be a response, perhaps there wont. Should I be glad? Should I be disappointed? What if I check my e-mail repeatedly, or just occasionally, or not at all? Which of those options is right? Which of them are wrong? Is there anything? I don’t know what’s to come. What words should I use to describe how I feel about this e-mail? Which words are right to use, which words are wrong to use? All I can say, is that whatever will come will come, and it can be dealt with then. If you have read the entirety of this e-mail, I thank you for your time.
What we truly are is not what appears, is not the body mind, is not the world, is not Katy or Magdi.
Consciousness is intelligence, wisdom, freedom, beauty and love.
Follow the freedom, the beauty, the happiness, the peace, but not the mind.
The mind operates in opposition, in separating this vs that, in uncertainty and fear. There is no joy in such a path. The mind says I am a wife, I am a body and from such a position, misery and suffering ensue.
It is important to recognize this illusion and not maintain it with your belief in physicality and mortality. The emptiness of consciousness is not an empty void, is not a dead emptiness. It is the wholeness of being, the reality of consciousness, impersonal and universal. It is known as peace and happiness.
The separate me, the separate self might arise again and again. Recognize yourself over and over as the borderless presence, as the stillness, the peace that is eternal and limitless. It is in this recognition that grace reveals itself in its full glory.
I would like to add that there is great freedom in not being someone. Our identity limits us and imposes on us a limited point if view and limits our freedom. Being without identification makes room for the wholeness of our infinite nature to express itself unfiltered by any sense if limitation. Be open to that possibility that rather than losing your self, you are regaining your freedom and creativity.
Thank you so much for your quick reply on the day of my message. Your response(s) have helped me greatly. I suppose I felt very overwhelmed without a false authority telling me always what to do. With the silence I realized that now the choice is available, to do what I will with this journey. So the sense of responsibility I was understanding was a tremendous sensation. All my life I had been led around aimlessly by a pretender, and now that the pretender is gone and the leash has disappeared I was wondering what to do, how to think, how to feel about everything around me. Your words helped me to understand that I was trying to still give up the choice to something else, and since there is no something else outside with power over me, I felt very lost without the leash tugging me here and there.
So thank you again for your attention and your willingness to offer me guidance in the time of need. I am grateful always for what you have done.
With great joy
When the leash dissolves, the guidance of consciousness is no longer interfered with by the impostor separate self. Serendipity reveals itself in your life as consciousness is the seamless and only reality. The dream becomes sweet as the old personal concerns slowly fade since they are no longer maintained by our belief in being a separate self.